HBO’s Breast-New Show

Word on the street is that HBO has begun filming a new drama series with breasts and cuss-words aplenty, preparing to “break new ground” in both the boob and vulgarity categories.

“There will be a lot of F-words,” promises HBO vice president of programming Mitch Frankel. “And if there’s an occasion to show a woman taking her shirt off, or not wearing a shirt, or putting a shirt on when she previously had not been wearing one, this show will be taking advantage of that.”

How exciting. I mean, we’ve all been waiting for this day to come, or rather, for this show to come. Just cut out all the dialogue and substance and just give the people what they want: Tits and f-bombs.

“That’s really key to the whole enterprise,” admits Frankel. With the show’s main man already cast, an actor whom HBO reports was popular in the ’90s but lacking in recent hits, the new series is hopeful in adding three to five females to the cast who are comfortable with showing their bare breasts on camera.

And Frankel promises the swear words will go tit for tat. ”You can expect S-words, C-words, M-words, W-words – I don’t even know what that last one is, but we’ll have it,” he says. Apparently we can also expect the f-word to drop 200 to 300 times in one hour-long episode.

How wholesome.

And if you are not yet convinced that this will be enlightening family programming, this series is said to be boasting multiple simulated sex scenarios ”in various positions, not just doggy style like in many HBO shows,” says Washington Post critic Tom Shales.

“They’ll do it in an artful way, in service to the plot, with great actors,” says Shales (of course they will!), though, he adds, scenes will be kept short, making them difficult to masturbate to. ”But not impossible,” he adds, winking.

Well, with all the gratuitous breast shots that seem to be the focus of this show, I’d hope one would be able to masturbate to the abundance of chest pieces on display, otherwise I’m not really sure there is a point to all this. Is there one? It just seems a horrific way to regularly sexually exploit women, reducing them to a sum of their parts. But since the channel already has a soft-core show on rotation (hello, True Blood), the folks at HBO need to continue to boldly go further, continuing to “break new ground” in order to keep viewers interested.

Sad face.